Ever heard the one about the salesmen?

Even if you’ve heard this joke, go ahead and chuckle anyway.  It's one of my faves and a little dirty, just like moi ; )

Three salesmen were returning from a sales convention late at night.  Unfortunately, they didn’t know that there was a three day festival going on in the city.  All of the hotels were at maximum capacity except for one hotel with a single room.  The tired men immediately took the room not minding that they had to share a bed.  In the morning during breakfast, the other two guys noticed that the guy who had slept on the left side of the bed was extremely uncomfortable and wouldn’t meet the other guys’ eyes.  He refused to answer when the other guys questioned him until finally, he admitted that he hadn’t been able to sleep due to a horrible but really realistic dream he’d had the night before.

“What kind of horrible dream?”, questioned the other two.

“I dreamt that one of you was playing with me with my…you know…”, the poor guy’s voice trailed off in embarrassment. 

The guy who had slept on the right side of the bed spoke up also and admitted he had also had a similar dream about his package being tugged on.

The guy that had slept in the middle couldn’t believe his ears and frankly, didn’t like the direction this discussion was taking.

“What the hell kind of f..ked up dreams are you two having?  What’s wrong with the both of you?”

“You mean you slept soundly?”

“I slept like a baby, in fact, I dreamt that I was skiing”.

I can’t believe that I’ve turned into one of them - You know, those bloggers who post every 4 months and you angrily vow never to visit their webpage again.  I don’t know how it happened but it won’t happen again.  And don’t worry, I gave myself a couple of spanks for my M.I.A. status.  I’m apologizing more to myself than anyone else because I have been living mindlessly for the last couple of weeks and I’ve been dodging the mirror.  I can’t run anymore because I have to hold only me accountable for my life - hence, another visit to the accountability blog.

As the title indicates, I’ve been feeling very discontented and it’s been everybody else’s fault except for the real culprit.  I tend to look at my present circumstance like most normal people and get extremely frustrated.  The horrible thing is that this frustration is a poison spills over into other areas of my life and affects my relationships with the people closest to me.

Yet, I still have to bitch about the fact that my living situation is far from ideal, my job is just something to temporarily tide me over because this daily mind numbing drudgery isn’t what I dreamed up for myself especially for the next 30 years.  My frustration comes from the fact that my twenties came and went just like that.  I spent my twenties wrapped up in very silly fears and I promised myself so much.  Now, I’m starting to repeat the same habit now except that I’ve matured a lot more, thank God.  I’ve really started contemplating selling most of my things and just hauling ass to another country because this constant, restless pacing back and forth inside of me is driving me crazy (screw planning).   

But 

I’ll give myself a couple of weeks to be reasonable, so this is going to be the plan.  I solemnly promise to go to the library, Barnes and Noble and check out any book on fellowships, internships, grants or scholarships abroad.  Then during the week, I will devote at least two hours on the internet researching all my options.  Now, I have up until November 15^th, 2011 or earlier as the date of my final decision as to what path I’ll be following.  I’ll definitely be leaving the country, I just don’t know yet how I’m going to do it but I know with every bone in my body that it will happen.  It feels really great to make a real decision once and for all.  I also have to say that I’m grateful for my restless spirit.  It clearly indicates that although I’m very happy with what I’ve got (I have a lot to be grateful for), I’m just not willing to settle for less than I know I’m capable of doing. 

I’ve also started re-reading “Think and Grow Rich” and I’ve started praying and meditating. I need all the patience, faith and determination I can muster to manifest the things I want. Isn’t it interesting that I always fall off the minute I neglect meditation?

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them".  - George Bernard Shaw.

You’re awkward: I get you

I’m pretty sure that everyone and their mama knows about Issa Rae of Awkward Black Girl fame.  I still felt the need to blog about her because Issa’s action in creating AwkwardBlack Girl mirrors what I stated in my Tyler Perry post here and here.  It’s not our responsibility to necessarily remove what we don’t want but it’s our responsibility to restore balance or get on the solution bandwagon in order to make this restoration happen.  Issa noticed the lack of good representation of black women and took action to remedy that.  She didn’t sit around talking about the problem and making herself a victim.  She utilized free networking sites and the show has morphed into a cult following.  I can’t wait for the next episode and I’ve re-watched every episode several times and it’s still funny.  I tip my hat to Ms. Issa because she has stepped out of the “powerless black woman” box and taken back her power to tell her story her way. 

An Overprotective mother, her son and his girlfriend walk into a bar...

An aging mother was getting tired of the fact that her grown and successful son still wasn’t married.  She decided to pay him a visit to find out what's going on.  So she left her house and headed to the town (Aba) where her son lives.  What she didn’t realize was that her son was in his house with his girlfriend.  So the poor woman had to knock for a while before the son opened the door.  Imagine his surprise to find his mother standing at the front door.

Son:  Mama, is everything okay?  Did anybody die?

Mother:  No my child, no one died and everyone is okay.  I just came to find out why you have refused to get married and give me at least one grandchild to hold before I die.

Son:  Well, mama it’s not easy.  I’m still looking to find a compatible mate to marry.

Mother:  What about her?

The mother was pointing to the strange woman (her son’s girlfriend) that was lounging on her son's sofa.

Mother (now addressing the girlfriend):  So you’re the reason why my son has refused to get married.  Please untie him and let him go get a suitable wife. 

Girlfriend:  Oh, so I'm not suitable?  And how exactly do I untie him?  He’s no longer a baby.

Mother:  You're definitely not suitable as a wife and He’s my baby.  (Pointing to her breasts).  I breastfed him for a year and a half.

Girlfriend:  Oh, you’ve got the mouth to talk about only a year and a half?  He’s been sucking my breasts for 9 years now and he still hasn’t married me.  Abeg madam, just don’t look for my trouble this afternoon.

Guess who won this argument and whose big mouth got owned.

Raw Food One Week Update

How gorgeous is this girl?

I have to say that I’m extremely pleased with the results of my raw food diet except for the weight loss.  I knew that I was going to lose weight but I wasn’t expecting to lose this much especially for one week.  I even limited my workouts to only yoga.  I don’t own a scale so I can’t say how much I’ve lost but all of my clothes are hanging on me right now.  I’m not going to complain too much because my stomach is finally flat and I’m talking really, really flat.  Unfortunately, I’ve lost my booty (weeps).  Even with that, I’ve decided to stick to the diet because I feel better than I’ve felt in awhile esp. energy wise.  I’ll monitor myself and if I start to lose too much weight, then I might have to introduce rice and other carbs back into my diet.

I’ve also learned something that I didn’t know before – some raw foods actually taste good (gasp).  I’m really serious.  For example, for breakfast, I ate my cooked lentils with my homemade tomato stew.  Then I topped off the dish with raw onions, green pepper and tomatoes.  I was really apprehensive of this mix but I added the extra stuff b/c I’m used to eating meat with my meals.  The onions, green pepper and tomatoes not only made me feel like I wasn’t missing something but the combination was incredible!  I don’t know what it is about the cooked food mixed with the raw vegetables that brought out the taste for me.  Even if you guys don’t go raw, try topping off your cooked (fill in the blank) with carrots, cucumber etc.  Take my word for it, it tastes great.

I was really surprised to discover that I wasn’t starving while on this diet because I had fruits for my lunch, salad for dinner, and nuts for snacks.  I thought I was going to give up mid-week but I actually was full at the end of the day.

The biggest shocker on this diet was that I’ve discovered that I don’t need as much underarm deodorant as I did before.  To elaborate on this would be TMI, you’re just going to have to take my word for it.  At first, I thought it was a fluke but I conducted some tests and the results are definitely conclusive.  This is what sold this diet to me.  There is no way I’m going back to canned tuna after salmon darling, no way.

Now, I’m not going to become a strict vegetarian (I hate labels) because I’ll still eat meat once every week or two weeks, but I won’t consume it as much as I used to. 

I have to add that I eliminated all sugars including honey.  No wheat or flour.  I used only coconut oil.  I didn’t consume rice or meat which was the hardest part of the diet.

 This has nothing to do with my diet results but... 

I had to share that my Bantu knots came out so beautiful today.  Bantu knots are usually a flop when I’ve tried them but I just fell in love with my hair all over again today.  Ain't love grand?

I'm going on a raw food diet

Well, just for a week.  I started today and it will end on Sunday, July 31^st.  I’ve never done a diet in my life before, so this should be interesting.  I shouldn’t even call this a diet because of the medical data supporting raw food.  I decided to try out this diet for various reasons but there are three big health benefits that really caught my attention.

First, the biggest draw of this diet is the reports of increased energy.  I can definitely use that.  Exercise especially my weight training has helped me out a lot in the energy department but I still feel sluggish especially when I walk up steps.  I have to admit that the sluggishness can also be attributed to the fact that I sleep very late.  I’m working on breaking my night owl habit because my body is definitely not feeling it.

Secondly, it eliminates indigestion and this is a problem that has occasionally popped up in my life going as far back to my university years.  Of course, it doesn’t help that back then I used to eat pizza as late as 2 a.m.

The third benefit appeals to my vanity – improved skin appearance.  There is no need for elaboration.  I’m vain – sue me. 

I’ve done some research on this and I will mostly go by Dr. Oz list of foods except that it won’t last 28 days.  I won't eat any dairy or meat.  My lunch, dinner and in between snacks will be completely raw.  The only exception to the raw food will be my breakfast and I will not give up drinking tea.  Most of my breakfast will be cooked but I will stick to Dr. Oz’s list of proteins. 

That is absolutely abnormal

My aunt uttered this statement in response to the remark I had made that I was not in the least bit interested in becoming somebody’s girlfriend/wife right now.  “In fact, said she, “there has to be a psychological block as to why you don’t want to be married at your age.  You are at the height of your looks and you need to take advantage of that.  It’s also good to have children now so that you can grow with them and your husband.  In Nigeria, most women are considered too old past the age of 26”.  She searched my face for any trace of alarm but was disappointed to find none.  She went on to compare marriage to shopping in that if a shopper goes to the mall early, one will have amazing choices in every department but if a straggler were to go a few minutes before closing time, then she will have to settle for what’s left.  Still, I was unmoved by this analogy and my aunt’s failure became the latest in a long line of relatives who had tried to no avail to get me to be more concerned about my love life.  In fact, the main reason why I ran away from NJ was b/c I was tired of pushy aunts dragging me to parties to search for husbands or asking for my picture and then calling me to tell me that some really nice, single doctor/pharmacist/engineer really wants to meet up with me.  Oh and by the way, they gave him my number and hopefully, I don’t mind.  I was brought up to respect my elders so I can’t curse these women out like I really want to and I know that their meddling is coming from a good place because they believe that they are helping me the best way they know how.  I hate to admit this but most human beings really truly believe that a single woman really isn’t happy and complete unless she is married.  Unfortunately, I call complete and total bullshit on that.  I think that it’s so sad that we are crippling our daughters by making them believe that another human being is the only thing that can ever make them complete.  If a man isn’t the centre of a girl’s world, then there has to be a psychological problem with that particular girl.  When did marriage become a coveted prize?  Shouldn’t we already prize ourselves already?   

Now don’t get me wrong, I believe that marriage is a wonderful institution.  The best example I have is the amazing friendship b/w my dad and his wife of almost 30 years.  All of my friends are either married or engaged to be married to the most amazing men and I couldn’t be happier for them.  And most of the blogs I love  are usually written by ladies that are either married or have a boyfriend.  Their happiness makes me happy and I’m drawn to it.  But the fact remains, that what they are doing works great for them and what I'm doing is working well for me right now.

I’m a big proponent of marriage and I will be married a couple of years down the road but I don’t believe that one size fits all.  I’m sickened by alarmists who use the dreaded biological clock as an excuse to try and mobilize spinsters down the aisle.  I don’t live in a world of scarcity where a woman’s value depreciates the older she gets and she has to grovel for a date (You might live there but I certainly don’t).  Rushing into a relationship just because of my age and the fact that everyone else is doing it is the dumbest reason to make any life altering decision.  It’s so important to have self-knowledge and I know that I’m just not ready right now.  It’s important to note that I’m only speaking on behalf of me because that’s the only person I’m qualified to speak on behalf of.

I can definitely live with corny or cliché because they are my truths right now.

Since this is an accountability blog, I have to admit that the reason why a boyfriend/husband isn’t anywhere on my priority list is because I’m currently pursuing a relationship with a chick.  And her name is ME sometimes known as Udara. 

There is a reason why my About Me section has more questions than answers.  I’m not trying to be mysterious (I couldn’t be to save my life).  I’m still growing up and trying to figure myself out in the midst of all the noise and nonsense.  In fact, I couldn’t tell you what my favourite colour or food was a year ago.

There are so many things I need to figure out about this chick that I’ve neglected for so long.  I’ve tried to mimic and become every interesting person I’ve ever met and found out, like the popular saying goes, that I couldn’t be somebody else because everybody else is taken.  So I’ve decided to go back to what I’ve always had:  me, myself and I.  I’m even re-learning how to speak to myself because it’s incredible that I speak to myself in ways that I dare not speak to friends, family or even strangers, unbelievable isn’t it? 

 

I don’t agree that the Lord can’t save you, I just think that we need to be a little bit more proactive and know what we want.

Choosing to be single doesn’t mean that I hate men.  Actually, I like them a little bit too much and I don’t need the distraction right now.  Interestingly, I’ve noticed that the minute I made myself a priority, I’m getting hit on by some of the most incredible guys.  I guess it’s true that the minute you stop looking, they all come running out of hibernation.  And no, I’ve never had any problem attracting men, that’s never been an issue.  Getting a boyfriend is easy but what is the use of making another soul miserable when I know that I’m just not ready to share myself with him right now?  How can I like/love someone else when I’m just starting to do the same for myself?  For example, when I did my 5k run, there was this really good looking guy that was smiling and staring me down while I was in line.  I was getting so uncomfortable that I turned my back to him.  That didn’t help because his gaze transferred from my face to my ass, smdh.  All I had to do was smile back and I’ll have a new beau and then what?  He comes into my life and makes everything better?  I’m building myself up in every way and latching onto another soul would spell disaster because his main duty will be to affirm me every freaking second.  My self worth isn’t someone else’s responsibility, it’s mine.  

As hard as it was, I’ve evaluated my life and faced up to some of the issues and baggage that I need to deal with.  Self-evaluation is the absolute worst because it’s so easy for me to point the finger at everyone else but at some point, that finger has to come back to my face.  There has to be a common denominator for some of those horrible experiences and people I’ve dealt with.  The common denominator is me and that realization sucks.  So I need a minute to step back into the centre and clean up my house in order to make space for others.  I’m past caring what I or everybody else wants with my life, I need this time like I need my next breath of oxygen – yes, it’s really that dramatic.  I’m certainly not trying to become perfect (perfection is so boring) but I want to constantly get better than I was and at least know what my ish(ues) is/are.  I know, self-discovery is so cliché, so passé, so done to death BUT it hasn’t been done by me and I have to live that truth for myself.  

Aint nobody gonna save you, save yourself – Cree Summer